The 5 weirdest search terms for

After extensive research of some of the most popular search terms and keywords that lead folks to, we came across a list of some quite...bizarre...yet equally valid queries and questions that it seems you, the people want answers for. While we may not have the expertise in said areas, since you came searching and wound up on this little website of ours, we thought we'd give it a red hot go and attempt to provide you with the best information we can. We hope this helps.

Q. How to make love in a wetsuit.

A. While we don't condone such behaviour, who are we to shut down dreams. However, we must assure you that there are better forms of contraception that are both cheaper and more practical. We get that it's better to be safe than sorry, but you don't have to go overboard with the rubber. 1mm of latex will do the job as well, if not better than 4mm of sweaty neoprene.

Q. I have a logo, I want to make it global in the surfboard industry.

A. Lets face it, surfboard shapers are artists. Their knack for balancing style with performance and understanding of hydrodynamics is something one is either born with or learns through a 4 year aprenticeship. Their logos are their signature. The stamp that tells potential customers yes, this board was shaped by a human with a name and/or initials. Think: Mark Richards (MR), Jason Stevenson (JS), Shane Stedman (Shane), Rusty Preisendorfer (Rusty). Yeah, logos are cool. But when it comes to surfboards, the art is in the shape. So before you go throwing around this potentially global logo, learn to mow the foam first.

Q. How to make your own secret handshake in 9 steps.

A. You time wasting fool! You can do it in 6 steps! Read the following advice from Wikihow

1. Decide on who's "in". You don't want your handshake publicized, right? You need to set boundaries. Pick 1-5 close friends to share the handshake with. Having more is okay, but be warned: the more people you have using the 'shake, the more people will see it.

2. Share the spotlight. Don't come up with a cool 'shake all by yourself. Find a time when all the people are together; make the creation of the 'shake a group project.

3. Make the 'shake. Don't make it too complicated, or too easy. Fist-bumps, claps, and most anything else are all good. Try to involve your whole body, but it's not required.

  • For example, you could elbow touch, booty-bump, or foot-tap. Don't get too complicated, though, or you could end up with a 'shake that nobody can get right or remember.

4. Practice. Do the 'shake when you see your friend(s) at the store, school, park, etc. Do it every chance you have. "Practice makes permanent!" 

5. To change, or to not to change? Once you have a 'shake, stick with it for a while. Make sure the whole group agrees that you need a new one if you find yourself hating it. And if you have to change it, remember all the things you liked about it, and the things you didn't. It's also a good idea to "shake" things up a bit. It keeps peers whom are not "in" guessing, and makes the 'shake something creative and new every time.

6. Have fun! If you ever find yourself stressed over your 'shake, stop. Think of something else you and your friend(s) can have.

Q. Do Bookkeepers always get screwed over?

A. A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million dollars. His bookkeeper is deaf.  That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Bookkeepers get screwed over when they are deaf and involved with organised crime. Learn from this cautionary tale and you will be fine.

Q. Can surfing the web be added to your resume?

A. If like me, you spend a lot of your time watching surf clip after surf clip, trolling Stab Mag's comment section and looking at pictures of Julian Wilson's girlfriend, then yes. God yes! 

Posted by: Matthew Ryan, on January 22, 2015
Categories: Articles